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"A Common Marriage Communication
Challenge"
by Susie and Otto Collins, Relationship Coaches
Here's how this game is played....
One person says or does something that is perceived by the other person
to be insensitive, hurtful or just plain unkind. If the two people have been
married for awhile, there are usually built up resentments that both people
have been holding on to and neither one wants to let go of them.
What usually happens is that the person who feels slighted reacts from what
he/she usually does in these circumstances to "get back" at the other person.
This "getting back" can be any number of ways to hurt the person, from sarcastic
words to acts of
infidelity.
If there's any
marriage advice that we can give, it's this...
Instead of playing the "gotcha" game, decide to put down your
"dukes" and
defenses and come from a place of love. All this game brings is a great deal
of hurt, anger,
mistrust and being
misunderstood. Our
marriage tip to you is
to stop yourself when you find that you begin playing this destructive
game.
"Gotcha" is typically a pay-back.
Although "Gotcha" is usually an
unconscious
way to protect yourself, it ends up being an intentional
act to
make someone else
hurt--whether each of you realizes it or not.
"Gotcha" can come in many different shapes and sizes such as:
1. Withholding love, affection, or sex
2. Cutting, satirical remarks
3. Physically walking out or refusing to talk
4. Hitting, slapping
5. Superiority
6. Busyness and avoidance 7. Burying yourself in the tv, computer or
something else
(and many other ways)
Most people don't make the connection that when they
play this game
that they are
acting from their pain, fear and from past
patterns.
Our
recipe for a happy marriage--our marriage--was a commitment
very early on to not run away when things
get tough or to resort to
playing the "gotcha" game. We agreed to listen to each other, no matter
how difficult it might be at the time, and to stay with the
process until
we understood one another.
What a difference this has made in our relationship
compared to others
we've been in!
What we realized was that the game of "gotcha" just
brought us pain
and if we wanted to have a truly
wonderful relationship, we had to
commit to not playing
it.
Here are some suggestions to help you quit playing
the "gotcha" game in
your
marriage:
1.Come into an awareness about your part in the
"gotcha" game. Ask
yourself when you first started
playing it and with whom.
2. Ask yourself what types of situations and behaviors
trigger you to
react from the "gotcha" position.
3. Recognize your patterns and the
emotions behind those patterns.
Which of the behaviors
that we listed in this article do you fall into when you
start playing this destructive game?
4. When you have this information and you feel safe
enough, talk with
your spouse about what you've learned. Choose a time
when you aren't
playing the game. 5. Talk about your part in the game and ask if your spouse sees the dynamic
and if they see how they play the game.
6. If your partner refuses to talk about it or take
responsibility for their part
in the game, you have the
choice to keep playing the game or to withdraw
yourself
from it by speaking what is true for you and not from
your pain and
pattern.
7. Recognize when you go into your pattern of "gotcha"
and choose healthier
ways of expressing yourself.
"Gotcha" can be a very destructive game that many
married couples play and
it is a habit that you can break. |